The Media

Now look, I am a newsaholic, but it does get to be hard work sometimes. For example:

Why do the BBC have to have dancing banners all over their News bulletins? Just who is mad bannerman?

Then there are the Headlines: they have to play boompetty-boompetty music over it. BBC’s go "boomp de boomp-boomp, boomp de boomp-boomp", whereas Sky’s go "ding-a-ding a ling, ding-adin a ling". Can’t hear the actual words….

The BBC had a recent live interview with Vince Cable – but they squeezed his face into one-third of the screen while the other two-thirds showed street scenes for no reason whatsoever. As the same time, the traffic sounds from the street scenes were broadcast, so you could not clearly hear what Vince was saying. It almost made the whole thing pointless.

When someone is talking, they should put up the name all the time. Not "Chowdury Pangesenageysem Sivapathasundrem Dhuremeretnam, the Indian Minister for Micellaneous and other offshore entertainment affairs" for about a tenth of a second. This applies to documentaries too.

Why are Sky and BBC so shy about their presenters? Why do they not put up their names? You have only to clean your glasses to get a better picture, and you have missed the names. I firmly believe that the name of the speaker, both in News broadcasts and in Documentaries, should be displayed all the time they are speaking. And why have TWO people to read the news? Other news channels do not do this. Is it just to waste money? Or is is a tribute to Morecambe and Wise?

Some seem out of fashion – like the BBC’s excellent finance correspondent, Julia Ceasar – has her name become an embarrassment? It cannot be more of an embarrassment than dopey Declan Curry, surely? Sadly, Sky have got Liza "mmm..mm…mmm" Burke back, the most unintelligible weather presenter ever. And the BBC’s Tomaszzz Shafferwanker, who thinks Scotland is "nowheresville" is a pompous little tick. He did go up in my estimation when he did the rigid-digit salute to Simon McCoy, though.

　

They seem to need a "characature" – half the presenters have to have "camp-northern" accents, and any presenter doing anything at all to do with railways just must have a beard and a speech impediment.

At the beginning of the News (e.g. Meridian Tonight), they always pretend to small-talk to each other, with coreographed nods. So unprofessional. A bit like putting their pens away after News at Ten – they never used their pens in the broadcast anyway. Patronising.

At the end of the programs, they always squeeze the credits into a little column you cannot read, then have the babbler natter over the closing music. I am surprised the unions do not complain because you do not know who did what.

How do you get the job of the babbler? What do they do during the the programme? Are they paid for the whole time, and just get to babble at the end of each programme? Why the excruciating accent?

On-line votes show percentages for and against, but should show the number of votes received to give credibility. A vote with high percentages, but taken from only a few people is meaningless.

　

As for dumbing-down, surely Channel Five News takes the biscuit – instead of the old "Here is the News", we get "Hi! Ere’s woss goin’ on" from some soppy tart standing on a load of scafolding. Where’s the blokes with the bum cleavage?

Reports from Westminster inevitably come from the gardens just over the road, with all sorts of background noises. The sight of the Prime Minister (himself!) holding a mug of tea and umbrella, standing in pouring rain in Downing Street on 10th October sums it up. I felt quite sorry for him. Surely by now, with the dominance of the media, they would have set up some sort of press room at Downing Street, and a broadcast office at Westminister? A large room, divided up with soundproof partitions (so you can’t hear the Sky bloke whilst you are watching BBC, and vice-versa) would not be beyond the wit of the Authorities?

The BBC morning weather forecast always has to have poor Carol standing in the Blue Peter garden, shivering. She does show off some nice outfits, but unfortunately, we cannot get the message. As she is reading the forecast, we get ambulances going past, sirens on the go; the occasional helicopter or a road drill in the background. Don’t they have a studio for her? Or do they do it all outside just because they can?

And don’t get me started on the wobbly weather map! Just when you are trying to see what the weather will be in the South East, it wobbles about so you can only see Northern Ireland. By the time it’s back to Kent and Sussex, it has all changed to tomorrow’s weather. Just keep the damn thing still! When you are trying to read the temperature in London and convert it back to English (Farenheit) the map wobbles off, and you are looking at Aberystwith. Before they switch back to a full-country picture, they pull up a notice about the weather prospects for some obscure football match in the Highlands. And I do like the way the local weather presenter has to take just two steps towards the newsreader at the end of each news broadcast.

　

The BBC in particular boast that they have correspondents already in place all over the world "so when the story breaks, we are already there." We have just had a word from Malcolm Brabant, stationed somewhere in the Greek islands, (or was it the West Indies?) just in case anything newsworthy happens. Nice guy, Malcolm. Haven’t seen him for a couple of years, he’s just done 20 seconds or so work.

Just imagine Malcom’s day: awake about eleven o’clock, anything happening? No. Leisurely breakfast. Stroll out to town. Anybody about? No. Prop up a bar. Get the gossip. Anything going down? No. Check out the beach. Get plied for sex and drinkies by some dusky young local ladies. Anything to hear? No. Time for dinner in the local restaurant. Welcomed by the proprieter, who just loves the BBC (and especially its correspondent’s expense account). Any rumours in the restaurant? No. Ah, well, dinner… and so to bed, in anticipation of a repeat for tomorrow.

Can I get this job? BBC correspondent living on salary and full expenses somewhere very nice and quiet, nowhere near a war or anything. Full subsistence, Martinis etc. delivered by dusky maiden on a silver tray. I would be very grateful to the licence payer, honest I would. Please.

Pretty Please.

Just a few Specifics:

Good: BBC’s Newsreader Simon McCoy and weathermen Rob McElwee and Daniel Corbett; Finance both Evan Davies and Julia Ceaser, Politics Nick Robinson; Sky’s Newsreader Kay Burley; Politics Adam Bolton, Finance Michael Wilson; weather girls Hazel Murray and Jo Wheeler. Special mention for the remarkable Kaddy Lee-Preston on Meridian. Just an outstanding character, and you can hear her. You really can. But the Sandy Fan Club wants to know where Sandy Fleming has gone. One of the best.

Bad: BBC finance Declan Curry, Sky weather girl Liza mmmmm Burke, BBC weatherman Tomaszzz ("nowhersville") Shafferwanker. I was going to include Peter Sissons as the most obvious Mister Grumpy, but he’s retired, and having read his comments about working at the BBC, he has every right to be grumpy.

And is John ("only Gordon Brown can save us now") Sergeant employed as the resident pompous pratt? Now he has moved to ITV, he will most likely move off the telly altogether. Bring it on!

Best all rounder (especially bum): Fiona Bruce.

And as for the Moira Stuart debacle – she is the consumate professional, an obvious asset to the organization – so the BBC want rid of her. Says it all, really. Contrast with Angela Rippoff.

What about Radio? Some years ago, in Germany, we listened to a music programme on the Radio. Music. Nothing else but music. Contrast with UK, where we have to have disjointed scraps of music, never introduced properly by a Disk Jockey. Just what is the real function of a Disk Jockey? How would you describe a Disk Jockey? "Waste of space/time/money"? Yep, that’s about it. Overpaid egocentric waste of time to ruin good music. But the British Bullshit Company has to employ dozens of them, and pays them most of the National Debt (financed by US) and makes Gods of the silly buggers. Come on, BBC, get on the real planet. This is CRAP, and needs sorting. Lose the phobia about needle-time, they don’t have needles any more.

　

There is just one thing: although I am a newsaholic, I do wonder. I mean, how much of it is really relevant? I know it is very sad when some nutter blows themselves up in Afghanistan and kills thirty people in a market, but what can I do about it, before, during or after the event? It may be tragic, but it has no relevance to me.