The Alternative CV
Having been made redundant three times in a row, I offer anyone in this situation an alternative CV, to be used as a skeleton document, which will ensure employment by the famous british management:
Hello, let me introduce myself, I am……………………..
I have experience with computers, I screw everything up, and never take a backup. This saves the Company lots of money for diskettes/CDs/tapes.
I spend most of the day outside with the ashtray, smoking with my friends, and so require a high salary to pay for the fags.
You always know where I am, I am never at my desk, being in the loo having a wank, or chatting up the dollies in Accounts, or having a fag. Sometimes I am just at home in bed, hung-over from last night which is very thoughtful of me, since the one thing that really ballses up your computer systems is a pissed/hung-over I.T. bloke.
I am willing to work Flextime, as I like to arrive late in the morning because I am still bleary from the booze-up the previous night. It gives me time to get a couple of fixes in before getting to my desk. I never take decisions until after lunchtime, it’s safer that way.
You can always find me at lunchtime, I am in the Pub.
I am pissed as a newt all afternoon, so though unable to answer the phone or do any technical work, I am casual and friendly – we call this “charisma”.
I demand a high salary to pay for my drugs habit, which contributes to my lack of driving licence – if you want me to work offsite, you will need to provide a car and driver - preferably upmarket car (e.g. Ferrari) and female driver, short skirt essential to promote the Company image. This also makes other people think I am important.
British Management employs thousands of people like me – I am bound to fit in. You will be lucky to recruit me for a couple of months, before I shove off for a better job. I am very considerate, and only leave after you have sent me on a load of expensive courses. I usually give no notice, just fail to turn in one day. Make sure you forward my severance pay to the right Bank account.
I probably won’t sue your Company for unfair dismissal, unless you have made me do some work while I was there, or if your coffee was crap.
With my attitude to my work, I am bound to go onwards and upwards to a top management job, if only I can train myself in pure, undiluted incompetence.
That way, I can employ more people like me.
